I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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