My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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