Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
