dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
