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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

  (954): View more from Florida

  Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?

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• (714): View more from California

  We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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• (954): View more from Florida

  I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

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• (605): View more from South Dakota

  You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much

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• (313): View more from Michigan

  I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

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• (207): View more from Maine

  Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.

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• (716): View more from New York

  Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"

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• (727): View more from Florida

  Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.

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• (808): View more from Hawaii

  It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.

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