Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
