dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
