I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
