I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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