We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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