She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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