Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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