How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
