i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
