his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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