Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
