woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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