I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
