Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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