remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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