No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
