I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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