i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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