my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
