im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
