Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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