wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
