youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
