What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
