I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
