I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
