My hand turned me down
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i think i just lost a toe
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
