Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
