mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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