I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Houston, we have a squirter
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
