We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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