I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
