No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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