She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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