omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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