hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
