Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
