I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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