You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
