bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
