you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
