Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
