she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
