I hate your face
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
