Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Randomize
