Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize