Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
