I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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