she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you made out with another girl for some wings
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