I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
