Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
