Apparently you make a good broom.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
