Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize