I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
