matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
