Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
